The public charm and private cruelty of narcissistic parenting
One of the most soul-crushing experiences for adult children of narcissists is this:
Everyone else thinks your parent is a saint.
They see someone warm, generous, polite—even charming. The kind of person who brings a casserole to a neighbor in need or knows exactly what to say to make strangers feel special. But you know the truth. Behind closed doors, that same parent is manipulative, cruel, dismissive, or explosive. Their kindness is conditional. Their love is performative. And if you dare speak up about it, people look at you like you’re the crazy one.
“But your mom is so sweet.”
“Your dad is such a great guy—I wish mine was like that.”
“You’re being too sensitive. Maybe you misunderstood.”
No. You didn’t misunderstand.
You lived it. You endured the tantrums, the blame-shifting, the subtle digs, the control, the guilt trips, and the emotional abandonment. You know what it’s like to get praised in public and then torn down in private. You’ve learned the hard way that with a narcissistic parent, everything is about optics—not truth.
Narcissistic Parents Are Master Performers
They know exactly how to behave when it counts. They show up for school conferences, not because they care about you, but because they care about how they look. They donate to causes or volunteer at church, but they never truly show up for you emotionally. Why? Because your purpose in their life isn’t to be loved—it’s to reflect well on them.
At home, when no one’s watching, the mask slips.
That’s when you see the eye rolls, the mocking, the guilt-tripping, the yelling.
Or worse—cold, punishing silence.
The Damage It Leaves Behind
This emotional whiplash leaves long-term scars.
You question your own reality. You feel guilt for resenting someone who "everyone loves."
You wonder if you're the problem. You carry shame that doesn’t belong to you.
But here’s the truth:
You’re not ungrateful. You’re not dramatic. And you’re not broken.
You were raised by someone who built their identity on how others see them—not how they treat you. That’s not love. That’s image management.
Reclaiming Your Reality
Healing starts when you stop gaslighting yourself.
When you stop trying to convince others and start validating your own experience.
You don’t need anyone else's permission to name what happened.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
You are allowed to set boundaries.
You are allowed to grieve the parent you wish you had.
And you are absolutely allowed to speak the truth—even if others don’t want to hear it.
If this hit a nerve, you're not alone.
Common Man Therapy works with adults who grew up with narcissistic parents—men and women who are done pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.
You can heal. You can change the legacy. You can break the cycle.
Let’s talk.
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